Viewpoint: For The People That Don’t Want Your Help

Have you ever tried to help someone that refused to accept your assistance? It seems to be in our good nature to be drawn into counselling those around us that are down and help them see optimism. As much as logic tells you that it wouldn’t make sense for them to decline your helping hand, it is more than common that those you offer help to refuse it. If you’re someone that loves a “quick-fix”, the learning curve for you may be steeper when they don’t want your “fix-it” personality.

We never want to let it go though. We don’t want to feel like we’ve given up on them before trying to help.

The missing piece of the puzzle is for the other person to want help and at no point can we force upon them our own beliefs no matter how right we think we are. Admitting to having problems is upsetting but change can be horrifying. Before you feel utterly disappointed in them for not realizing they need help, understand that we all like to think we are capable of managing our own problems (before it gets out of hand and desperation ensues). Once we become obsessed with idea of being at the bottom of the well, we don’t bother to figure out where the light is coming from at the opening –let alone build motivation to get out.

While there is no “quick-fix” answer to helping those that don’t want your help… there are certainly things you could avoid saying to those in a panicked/anxious state of being:

• “Calm down.” Take action instead of telling them this. Being unaware of their anxiety will make their issue worse.
• “I’ll just leave you for a minute.” Does it ever trouble you when you’re left alone with negative thoughts? Try distracting them with a story.
• “Stop overreacting.” While we accept that physically falling causes pain and an upsetting reaction, we should also acknowledge that the stress of anxiety is in the mind and equally painful.

When you’re trying to help the  person that doesn’t want your help, they don’t see it as a favor, in fact, they may become defensive as if you are accusing them of living their life wrong. For those of you that want to help and be there for others: When at first you give suggestions and then push them to heal they may become stubborn and overreact… you can let them know you care but sometimes they need to realize their problems on their own.

Frustrating as it is –you can’t help someone that won’t let you help. Don’t be angry.

— itsfruitcakeweather.

“One Of Those Days”

You’re miserable. You claim that today is just “one of those days”.

On occasion you feel like you’ve reached a dead-end. Just you and your sad desk lunch at work –day-in, day-out. There you are loving the city you live in, but it’s producing bills you can’t afford. You’re thankful for the fact that you aren’t unemployed, but your current job is taking you nowhere. You’re frustrated but you stay put.

What do you blame? The circumstances? The economy? How about yourself?

Blaming yourself is perhaps the worst. While it seems to be appealing as a result of having no physical demands –it drains you. Mentally you’ve all been programmed by social norms to take disappointment hard and reflect on mistakes. Emotionally you want reassurance that you’re headed the right direction. It’s one thing to reflect upon mistakes but another to dwell on bad memories.

The self-inflicted pain needs to stop before anything else. You don’t have to look for something to blame. Certainly not yourself. Because in reality, does it really matter so much how your circumstances came to be when your misery is being prolonged?

So if you’re having “one of those days” consider this the sign you’ve been looking for. I hear your distress and want to help make your day better.

Before you know it “one of those days” will become “one of those weeks”, “one of those months”, “one of those years”. No one ever says it because we realize our time is limited. The thought of having “one of those years” is too overwhelming to bear. There just aren’t that many years.

So be honest with yourself. Having “one of those days” is for your recovery, not mulling over the bad memories and extending your own misery.

— itsfruitcakeweather.

More On Making Today A Little Better For Yourself

Here is the initial: On Making Today A Little Better For Yourself

• Take the long route home today. Make a stop by the park to people watch in the evening. Sometimes we all need a few minutes to slow down and clear out negative thoughts. Maybe you’ll even develop a new habit of taking walks.
• Purchase something that smells good. Perhaps this sounds weird at first, but air freshener and the occasional scented candle may really help on your sad days. Not to mention help you fall asleep if you happen to be a night owl!
• Break a social norm. Why is it that we feel obligated to tell people we’re doing well when they ask how we are? Tell the truth when they ask today. You may be amused to find that you’ve caught them off guard as a result of not replying with: “I’m doing great! How are you?”
• … I realize that the above can be somewhat out of your comfort zone. But fear not! Just have a friend break a social norm as a you observe. (I guarantee to you’ll get a kick out of it!)
• Watch the TV show that everyone has been raving over for the last couple of months. I know you might want to refuse to believe it’s as good as they all make it seem… or that you’d be disappointed after you watch! But come on, you’re kind of not getting any of the jokes these days.
• Clear out your closet. If you compulsively hoard items such as clothing (much like myself) I highly suggest trying one! You pretty much know you’re never going to wear those items again so chuck them out with your negative thoughts.

— itsfruitcakeweather.

How To Avoid Being Awkward

• Don’t initiate hugs. I’ve been told I give terrible hugs. I believe part of the reason has to do with mismatched heights given that I’m on the short side. However, the main reason has to do with my habit of giving awkward one-armed hugs while patting the other person on the back. All of this is just bad timing. So if you’re more or less an awkward person don’t be putting yourself in that kind of situation. But seriously does anyone else do the awkward one-armed hug?!
• Hold yourself back from pointing out the awkward silences. Been there, done that. I’ve done this in the past and… as if the situation wasn’t awkward enough to begin with (I definitely made it worse by pointing it out). Sometimes it seems like saying, “This is awkward” will ease the pain of awkward silence but chances are the joke wasn’t really funny. Better to let the person who was responsible for the awkward silence to switch up the mood wouldn’t you say?
• Be sure to have your phone with you at all times. For all you awkward people you know why this is essential! From avoiding awkward eye contact in elevators to the extended family gathering. Your phone will prove to be a loyal companion: Entertaining you with apps and best of all giving you an excuse to avoid awkward socialization!
• If you have nothing to say, there is no need to comment on the weather. Usually we’re not sure where to go with the conversation after we make a comment about the weather anyway. “Such nice weather outside today!”  Doesn’t really cut it when you run out of things to say to that random acquaintance you forgot the name of over the weekend… I think it really is better for us to politely excuse ourselves —chances are they’re out of things to tell you about as well!
• Get off Facebook and interact with people in real-life instead. At the end of the day, avoiding social interaction in-person will only prove to make you more awkward and uncomfortable when confronted with the matter. Summer is just around the corner, so challenge yourself to go out of your way to the next BBQ or community event and speak to people face-to-face! (Admittedly, I do prefer hiding behind my keyboard sometimes as well.)

— itsfruitcakeweather.

5 Common Thoughts Of Those Experiencing Quarter Life Crisis

1. “What am I going  to do with my life?” I bet you would like to know (because I certainly do). I’ve recently learned that perhaps we have been misguided to think that we must know where we’re going with out lives. In high school we decided which courses to take for college/university admission, in post-secondary we decided on our majors… what does it really mean? Perhaps it is most important for us to realize that we can be in our 20s without knowing where we’re going with our lives. Things are going to be okay.
2. “So this is what it’s like to have grown up.” This thought is often accompanied by an unpleasant feeling of stress or anxiety as a result of assumed expectations of where you should be or what you should be doing in your life. When we were young and fearless you always looked forward to your birthday, why is it now that you’re dreading your next birthday and family gathering? Just remember that those expectations are made up by other people –not you. You’re still young.
3. “Sometimes it feels like everyone is doing better than me in life.” How well do you really know these people you’re referring to? The fact of the matter is you don’t know. Don’t forget that while you may see all the positive progress of they’ve made in their lives you haven’t been around to witness all the failures. As cliche as it sounds, to someone else you might be making amazing progress. Don’t be undermining yourself now.
4. “I need a job.” Not going to lie, I’m often pestered by this thought. In the case that you do have a job and you don’t enjoy it… we all understand that financial stress can be overwhelming.
5. “I really need to make changes.” It doesn’t matter what change, you just want to do something different to enter this new stage in your life in hopes of moving forward. Do what makes you happy. Cut your hair. There doesn’t have to be a purpose behind everything you do now that you feel older. You can still enjoy a lot of the same things you loved as a child.

– itsfruitcakeweather.

5 Things That Make Me More Nervous Than They Should

1. Ordering something that I’ve never eaten before at a restaurant. Sometimes I don’t even know what the dish is going to look like but my friend just happens to recommend it. I mean what could possibly happen? Maybe I’ll hate the entree… doesn’t hurt to try right? At this point I do want to try something new but my gut tells me that I might be getting TOO ADVENTUROUS. Not to mention on top of that, I’m not sure how to pronounce the name. So in fear of embarrassing myself further –I’ll just stick with the mushroom burger please. Thanks.
2. Wearing make-up in public. I rarely wear any make-up. On the days that I do, I am well aware that people will notice the products on my face. There really isn’t a win to this situation. If I don’t get an compliments I feel like perhaps that I shouldn’t have made the extra effort… but when I do: I don’t know how to respond to compliments. At this point I’ve really just given up.
3. Having to give an interesting fact about myself during a mandatory introduction. At some point in your life you’re going to attend some class or event where they make you go around and introduce yourself. As if that isn’t horrifying enough already –they want you to tell everyone an interesting fact about yourself! OKAY MY NAME IS ____ AND UHM… UHM… HMMM… THERE IS NOTHING INTERESTING ABOUT MYSELF!! WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?!! Alright well, I like cats. Too mainstream. I colour code all my books –might be slightly weird. Maybe I can sneak out before its my turn… (You get the picture.)
4. Someone saying nice things about me. Going back to #2 … I wonder if “thanks” suffices when I’m too stunned to speak words?!
5. Greeting someone that may or may not remember me. I can’t be the only one here. You remember that person but you don’t know if they really remember meeting you. You could say “Hi” but that may result in you looking stupid when they don’t respond in return. But you had great conversations with them before! Better not risk it, too many people around.

– itsfruitcakeweather.